Why Your Team Sucks 2026: Dallas Cowboys

Some people are fans of the Dallas Cowboys. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Dallas Cowboys. This 2026 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Hit ‘em with the griddy, you little fucker. When else am I gonna get to use this clip to puff my chest? I gotta take my fun where I can get it.

Your 2025 record: 7-9-1. You and I can normally count on the Dallas Cowboys to sabotage their own chances during the course of any given season, but in 2025 team owner and latent segregationist Jerry Jones decided to sabotage everything in advance by trading away All-Pro pass rusher Micah Parsons to Green Bay mere days before the season began. May as well cut your brakes before hopping into your car.

But since these are the Cowboys, America was forced to watch these assholes play out the string on national television all season long. What a treat. There was a loss to Philadelphia in the opener, in a game where Eagles were without turbo-stud DT Jalen Carter for much of the game because he got caught spittin’. The Cowboys were also crushed by an 0-2 Chicago team that had given up 52 points to Detroit just the week before. Then came the Parsons Revenge Game, in which Dallas had a chance to finish off Green Bay in overtime when their offense reached the five-yard line. Guess who stopped them from getting into the end zone on that possession?

That game ended in a 40-40 tie. As someone who despises the Packers and Cowboys in equal measure, this was my peak orgasm.

Without Parsons, Dallas ended up fielding the worst scoring defense in the entire league last season. Anyone could put up big numbers on these bozos, and they did. Rico Dowdle posted 239 total yards on them, with Carolina ultimately beating the Cowboys with a field goal at the buzzer. They were also crushed by an Arizona team that was lacking both Kyler Murray and any vested interest in winning football games. They got crushed (again), at home (again), by Minnesota, with Vikings bust J.J. McCarthy doing his little dance into the end zone just to rub it in. McCarthy was explicitly instructed by his coaches to NOT do that, but Niney McNineface thought to himself, “It’s the Cowboys defense; I can just do it anyway and get away with it.” And he did! He’ll never work in this league again, but by golly it was worth it.

Pathetic as they were, the Cowboys were technically still in the playoff hunt when they faced Justin Herbert and the L.A. Chargers late in the season. But then the ghost of Mike McCarthy appeared late in the third quarter and summoned this genius play call on fourth down.

That’s fullback Hunter Luepke, diving into am empty swimming pool. The DOA Giants would beat the shit out of his team in the final week to cap things off. And you thought Marshawn Kneeland’s death was depressing.

Trevon Diggs was released for sucking.

Your coach: Brian Schottenheimer, who’ll be head coach here for another eight quiet years before he’s replaced by A Kubiak To Be Named Later. I remember Schottenheimer was hired because no one else would take the job, and then a bunch of people (not me) were like, “This is such an uninspiring hire that it actually might turn out to be a great one!” Nope. Wasn’t. Schottenheimer proved just as underwhelming as the rest of us expected. He was also responsible for bringing the dreaded Matt Eberflus aboard as his initial defensive coordinator. That went over about as well as Tomy Romo’s field sobriety test. Eberflus is gone now, replaced by former Eagles assistant Christian Parker, who’s probably still getting used to having to drink from the BLACKS ONLY water fountain at team headquarters.

Your quarterback: It’s another year of Dak Prescott posting big numbers and winning nothing of import. Deshaun Watson’s contract remains the eternal bogeyman for NFL owners when it comes to overpaying quarterbacks, but Prescott’s $60 million AAV deal quietly remains the foremost example of why you shouldn’t overpay a QB just because you have one. You know the kind of contract I’m talking about. It’s the same deal that got handed out to the likes of Trevor Lawrence, Tua Tagovailoa, Kirk Cousins, and a few other C-listers. Dak Prescott is king of the C-listers. No QB on earth, not even Watson, gets paid more to do less. LIV Golf is a better investment right now. And if the Cowboys want to cut Dak loose when they have an out after 2027, it’ll put more than $72 million in dead cap money on their future books. I trust Sam Bankman-Fried to manage my money better than these steer-humping freaks.

Joe Milton is your backup. Sam Howell is your pick-happy QB3. Only two teams had a worse turnover differential than the Cowboys a season ago. I know that turnover stats are prone to regression from year to year, but not with this team. When it comes to the Dallas Cowboys, turnovers are family lore.

What’s new that sucks: Dallas’ biggest acquisition actually came in the middle of last season, when they got DT Quinnen Williams from the Jets to help fill the goatse-esque pass rush void created by the Parsons trade. The Cowboys still couldn’t defend the pass after getting Q, and they won’t be any better able to in his first full season with a star on his helmet. Yes, they used their two first-rounders this past spring to get S Caleb Downs and DE Malachi Lawrence, and they patched up the rest of their garbage defense by importing free agents like CB Cobie Durant and run-stuffing specialist Jonathan Bullard. They will also be getting the services of allegedly all-the-way-back CB DaRon Bland, who’ll probably get run over by a golf cart during training camp. Those guys are going to be tasked with replacing a unit that’s not only lost Parsons, but is now also without DT Osa Odighizuwa (traded to San Francisco) and EDGEs Dante Fowler and Jadeveon Clowney (both old but productive).

But hey, at least the offense still has Dak plus all of those weapons. Like WR George Pickens!

Some background here: After trading for Pickens last offseason, the mercurial star (all dickhead wideouts must be referred to as “mercurial”) posted career highs in receptions, yards, and touchdowns. He is one of the best wideouts in football. Did the Cowboys front office—led by Stephen Jones, who somehow looks older than his father does—choose to extend Pickens long-term to get ahead of market prices? FUCK AND NO, THEY DIDN’T! You see son, here in Tixis we like to use a little thing we call “livridge” to get what we want. That means we’re waitin’ until the very last minute, when our relationship with a player is at its most acrimonious, to then force that young man to play under the franchise tag. HOOO DOGGIE NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL DRIVIN’ A HARD BARGAIN!

Pickens signed his franchise tender back in April and reported to camp this summer like a good soldier. But if you don’t think he’s already plotting his revenge against the Joneses, then you are as dumb as Michael Irvin.

K Brandon Aubrey got paid, though. And right after a season in which his make percentage from 50-plus yards out plummeted. But ooh loogit the occasional 60-yarder he can get through the uprights! You know how Jeff Fisher once tried to build the whole offense out of Greg Zuerlein long distance attempts? Get ready for a reprise of that master plan.

Mark Cuban might get a minority stake in the Cowboys, if only so that this team’s ownership can finally get a bit of attention. Also, Jerry says he might fix his stadium’s longstanding blinding-people issue, but Jerry Jones says a lot of things. Listen to all of them in his upcoming 56-part Netflix documentary, Owner.

[Linda Ronstadt singing] Tony Romo is a loser and I think he is a boozer.

What has always sucked: Six games. You and I are due to see these pieces of shit six times in primetime over the course of this season, including three straight in the middle of October. I already have enough horrible people barging onto my television every other minute. I got Donald Trump scheduling a primetime address so that he can smirk to himself while farting acid. I got Pete Hegseth gathering our troops to yell at them for being too fat and walking too gay. I got pretend Cowboys hater Stephen A. Smith all over ESPN retrofitting Aaron Rodgers takes. And I got RFK Jr. hosting a show where he cooks up a fresh batch of cyanide tea to help boost his immune system. I don’t need my eyes assaulted by anymore of these people, least of all this ancient piece of driftwood.

Look at this hideous creature. Look at all the deep wrinkles in his pale skin, like a Shar Pei dying from tuberculosis. Look at the roadkill hair. Look at the set of fresh veneers that are fooling nobody. And look at that stupid Texas grin. This is the face of doom. This is, “You know how fast you were drivin’, son?” This is, “We don’t take too kindly to furriners ’round here.” This is the last face you see before you get hate-crimed.

Dallas fans, you won’t be the only people celebrating when Jerry Jones finally eats it. His death will be America’s death. Birds will sing. Children will lock hands from sea to sea. Innocent women will finally be able to sleep at night. Jerry Jones dying will be like if I got to personally witness Lindsey Graham’s aorta go kaboom. That’s how much I resent the man’s existence. And as a little bonus, the Cowboys will still be fucking terrible for decades afterward. Can. Not. Wait.

Cowboys fans used be grating frontrunners. Now they’re people with bad facelifts who keep getting their head stuck in a fence. 

Dez dropped it. Fuck Greg Abbott with a bit and bridle.

What might not suck: Nothing. Get fucked. I have nothing nice to say to you people.

HEAR IT FROM COWBOYS FANS!

Matt:

Is Jerry still alive and running this team? Yes? Then we’re fucked.

Lareigh:

Tony Romo got arrested in Wisconsin on suspicion of driving under the influence, which I did not think was possible. It’s like someone getting arrested in Texas for Possession of an Overly Large Belt Buckle. 

Josh:

The greatest moments in my life as a Cowboys fan are all Wild Card wins.

Clint:

I view the Cowboys fandom in my family the way many families treat a history of alcoholism.

Cody:

At least they are running a defense from this century.

Marcus:

Here are some of the things my dad did to me:

1. Stole my identity in my teens, leading me to find out I had a 490 credit score at 19

2. Didn’t tell me that I had a little brother, who I only found out about when little bro reached out to connect when he was 18

3. Passed down his Cowboy fandom to me

I’m the most mad about the Cowboys fandom…

Aaron:

I grew up in Dallas but I’ve lived in Boston for about twenty years. Last fall I was walking home from my local MBTA stop. There was no one else on this path, except for a guy up ahead sitting on one of the steps. It wasn’t until I was within about ten feet of him that I noticed he was just finishing up injecting something into his ankle. I didn’t want to be the asshole who stumbles through someone else’s private (albeit also public) moment, but I was also too close to turn around and go another way without seeming judgmental or huffy. So I just soldiered on, and we made brief eye contact and exchanged a nod.

His expression changed when he saw my hat, and he spat out “The Cowboys? Oh mannnnn” in the huffiest, most judgmental manner you could imagine. 

Phillip:

The Cowboys events/catering team puts more work into ensuring visiting reporters are taken care of every week than Matt Eberflus ever put into any defensive planning. Ever.

If given the option to make Trump vanish, with the catch being Jerry would live forever, I’d have to take a second to think.

Nicole:

Jerry Jones is actively trying to push me out of Cowboys fandom. You will not win, Jerry! I will outlive you! I think.

It’s also possible that Jerry Jones is a demon sent to torture me for something I did in a previous life and that I will never escape this. 

Joel:

I’ll still buy the merch because I enjoy being pointed to and laughed at in public.

Jonah:

The happiest day of the offseason was when the Giants owner got exposed in the Epstein files. Mainly because it wasn’t my owner.

Jason:

The gap between expectations and reality is the worst fucking part.

Patrick:

The front office is still getting in public pissing matches with stars to stay in the headlines, still wasting the prime of a star QB they lucked into, still overpaying for inevitable washouts, and still hoping that a flashy offense and a few hyped-up rookies can cover for a flaming oil spill of a defense. We’re going to put up 35 points a game to go 9-8, but it doesn’t matter as long as Jerry gets to be on national TV eight times a year. New year, same shit, and I’ve already put more effort into this submission than the front office has put into anything in years. 

Elliot:

I’m a high school teacher. The mere mention of my Cowboys fandom has brought almost universal derision and mocking. According to my students, the Cowboys are “cooked.” They are “buns.” They are “shot.” It makes many students actively respect me less. 

Chase:

I was seven years old. The Cowboys had just won the NFC championship the weekend prior. During the dead week between then and the Super Bowl, I was at home in a Dallas suburb with only my dad, the principal of my elementary school. This had been happening this whole semester, since my mom was taking weekend classes. 

Saturday morning comes around and my dad starts to get really frenetic and excited about the Cowboys. He proceeded to pull out some clippers, a handmade cardboard star cutout, and a blue paint pen (the metal one that you have to shake). Then he gave me my new modified hairstyle: buzz cut with a large blue star on either side of my head. He was getting me hyped about it the whole weekend. OH THIS IS GONNA BE SO COOL, YOU LOVE THE COWBOYS, EVERYONE AT SCHOOL IS GONNA LOVE IT. I was less decidedly confident than he was about going to school on Monday. My misgivings were soon confirmed when I was called into the principal’s office, where I got to see my dad get chewed out by his boss. We would later find out that my dad had Type 1 Bipolar disorder. Looking back, there were DEFINITELY signs.

I would always keep up with the Cowboys so I had something to talk about with my dad. Even when he would inevitably go off the rails, me and my siblings could always kinda bring him back to earth with some Cowboys talk. Last Christmas, my Dad died from a sudden and quick onset of a neuroendochrine tumor at 70. While we were taking turns helping out towards the end, I got to sit there with him and watch the Cowboys game. He spent most of the time squinting through his glasses at the TV. But once the game was decidedly over, he took his glasses off and said, “I’ll probably enjoy the game better if I can’t see it.”

And that pretty much encapsulates the last 30 years of Cowboys football. Miss ya dad.

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