College Football Enters Spooky Season

Welcome to the Defector College Football Watch Guide, where Israel Daramola and Ray Ratto will tell you which of the weekend’s college football games are worth giving a crap about.

Ray: Saturday is Halloween, and the schedule is notably threadbare for showdown games; only two games this weekend are between nationally ranked teams, and a bunch more are showdowns involving 4-3 programs. So go ahead, dress up, go to a party, and absentmindedly house a bunch of Reese’s peanut butter cups in your host’s rec room while pretending not to watch Washington-Nebraska. There’s no need to let the costume be the most embarrassing part of your day.

As for the games: if you insist. Kentucky has the best record in the SEC for the first since … uhh, ever? (Since 1977, actually.) The Wildcats’ schedule down the stretch is unkind, but head coach Will Stein no doubt sent an aide to blow up a copy of the conference standings for display all over the campus, maybe covering all the basketball flyers. This is not likely to remain so, but a moment is still a moment.

The same can be said of traditional donkeys Oregon State, 5-2 in the new Pac-12 after being 2-10 the year before, and also for New Mexico in the Mountain West, where a program that is traditionally a hot mess has congealed into something attractive enough for government work. Plus, first-time-anywhere coaches are 47-38 this year, and all of those took jobs that were quite awful, which is why they were vacant to begin with. This might make you wonder why there have only been three fired coaches so far this year, provided you didn’t already understand that athletic directors only know how to beg for money and how to hire and fire the same people in three-year cycles.

Mostly, we are about to see teams with aspirations lose those hopes and bunker down for cold weather. Chief among those are the Oregon Ducks, who were tagged as a championship contender in the preseason and as of this morning have the same record as stalwart contenders Alabama Birmingham and UNLV. This may be the last year in which three losses keeps a team out of the tournament, so Dan Lanning picked a bad time to become mediocre enough to fire his first-year offensive coordinator. Then again, what’s a coordinator to do if not act as a human shield for every punt, turnover, and stall?

So what’s the point of this week? Maybe just to see if Notre Dame can cover the 31 at Navy. Not everything has to be a playoff preview, and high stakes are in the eye of the beholder.

Israel: Which coaches would make the scariest monsters in a teen slasher horror film? My choices, in order: James Franklin, Brian Kelly, Dabo Swinney, PJ Fleck, Greg Schiano, Ryan Day, Bret Bielema, Gus Malzahn, Steve Sarkisian, Kirby Smart, Lincoln Riley, Matt Rhule. Bill Belichick might actually be a murderer. Nick Saban is more of a Terminator than a slasher. Scott Frost is more of a stalker killer. Kenny Dillingham is the villain who’d be hiding in the crew that no one would suspect, until he reveals himself near the end. Maybe Mike Elko, too. Lane Kiffin is the guy who tried to be in the crew, but whom everyone would immediately suspect. Probably the same with Dan Lanning. Curt Cignetti is the scary guy that shows up in Home Alone, until you find out he’s actually nice and just looks like that. Marcus Freeman is the handsome evil boyfriend of a Tyler Perry ingenue. Mike Norvell would try to kill you, then give up at the first sign of resistance.

And now, onto the games:

Baylor at UCF — Friday, 7:30 p.m. ET on ESPN

Dave Aranda is gone after being on the hot seat for years, so it’s left to former defensive coordinator Joe Klanderman to put together a plan to take down a UCF squad that just upset BYU. And on Frost Fridays, of all days. This is a tough spot for the Bears, as you might expect, but it’s Friday night football and a team coached by Scott Frost. Anything is bound to happen, particularly as the night inches closer to Halloween. It’s always scary hours with both of these teams. — Israel

(22) Arizona at (13) Texas Tech — Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on ESPN

Let’s see: BYU loses to UCF, Texas Tech loses to Cincinnati convincingly, Utah barely beats Houston because Devon Dampier rushed for 150 yards and threw for 204 (and two picks) … so that must mean that Arizona is the finest team in the entire conference. This game and the one against the Utes in two weeks will likely prove that we are lying liars lying for lying’s sake in this case, but all that means is we should have given up this writing grift and run for lieutenant governor years ago. — Ray

Wisconsin at (24) Iowa — Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on FOX

Where points go to die. The total of 36.5 is about 34 too high. — Ray

Auburn at (12) Ole Miss — Saturday, 12:45 p.m. ET on SEC Network

Both teams fell on their face last weekend, and both teams are probably looking to get back on track in this matchup. I only have faith in one of these teams to effectively show more than their previous disappointing output, though. It’s not that Auburn couldn’t pull it together, but we just have no evidence that they’re actually a capable team yet, despite some stellar moments. Hey, if they can get to quarterback Trinidad Chambliss enough times, that might be all they need. — Israel

Kansas State at Colorado — Saturday, 2:00 p.m. ET on TNT

Deion getting fired on Halloween would be a cool story. I mean, as cool as getting fired can be. — Israel

Louisiana Tech at South Alabama — Saturday, 3:00 p.m. ET on ESPN+

If you want to watch a REAL football game, this is as good as anything else on at this hour. It’s an important in-division conference game for the Sun Belt, and one that comes with a lot of expectations for Louisiana Tech. The Bulldogs have shut out their last two opponents; can they do it again? Can South Alabama shake things up and pull off an unlikely win? Alabama needs to have at least one good football team, guys—go after it! — Israel

(17) Florida at (3) Georgia — Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on ABC

Functionally the largest outdoor cocktail family reunion/wedding party. This game will fight with the neighbors and get kicked out of the local Applebee’s. Georgia is dominant but flawed, and cannot afford another terrible loss; Florida is capable and has nothing to lose. I expect the Gators to be friskier than usual, and I expect Kirby Smart to shout a lot. — Israel

(6) Utah at Cincinnati — Saturday, 3:45 p.m. ET on ESPN

The Utes have not lost a game outside the state in two years, and beat Cincinnati gormless last year, so we’ll just assume that is how it will play out again. In fairness, we haven’t seen Cincinnati run a single play this year, not even in the Brendan Sorsby Bidderless Auction last week, so weight that opinion accordingly. Utah’s defense has been excellent this year, and now that BYU has a loss, Utes fans will be exceedingly obnoxious in all the rollicking Salt Lake City speakeasies, especially as buildup to next week’s Holy War. — Ray

South Dakota at South Dakota State — Saturday, 4:00 p.m. ET on ESPNU

There are only three unbeaten FCS teams left in the country—Stevie F. Austin, Tarleton State, and Harvard, of course—and their opponents this week all come from the Meh Athletic Conference, so this is your best game for cavalier viewing purposes. You never know what will happen when Coyotes meet Jackrabbits—well, actually, we do, but that’s more for our Nature’s Slaughterhouse Desk editor, Comrade Imbler. The stakes here are somewhat lower than the average Coyote vs. Jackrabbit set-to: state bragging rights and playoff positioning, mostly. Sadly the game will not be played in Deadwood, and sadder still, the weather (cloudy and 61, winds from Saskatchewan at 9 mph) will not be a factor. — Ray

Clemson at Florida State — Saturday, 7:00 p.m. ET on ACC Network

What if they made a trolley problem, but it was between my ego and my moral standards? — Israel

(1) Miami at North Carolina — Saturday, 7:30 p.m. ET on ABC

A classic trap game for the Canes here as Notre Dame awaits next week, while UNC is coming off a galling overtime loss at home to Syracuse, proving yet again that their head coach cannot win the big one. (Loud, annoying Patriot fan feedback in 3, 2, 1 … GO!) Miami’s points per game this year are 45, 77, 33 (Wake Forest, you glorious bastards), 52, 41, 43, and 52, so we’ll see what Mister Smarty Schemes can cook up defensively in hopes of keeping them in the 40s. — Ray

(2) Ohio State at USC — Saturday, 7:30 p.m. ET on NBC

This is what Lincoln Riley said last weekend after the Trojans sorryed their way through a 24-7 loss to Wisconsin: “We flat out didn’t play good enough on any of the three sides of the ball. We didn’t coach good enough and we made critical errors on the road against a good team that you can’t make.” Wisconsin’s quarterback was 12-for-14 for 58 yards, so figure that out. We have not bothered to check Riley’s buyout language, but the time for that is growing nigh. — Ray

Army at Memphis — Saturday, 8:00 p.m. ET on ESPNU

I know I’m old because of how much more appealing this seems to me than going out on Halloween in New York City. — Israel

Oregon State at Fresno State — Saturday, 11:00 p.m. ET on USA (potential doubleheader with Liverpool-Arsenal the next morning)

Bucky Beaver is currently running the most prolific offense in the country, behind the leading quarterback in the country (Braden Atkinson) and the leading receiver in the country (Jesse Legree). If you have four hours to kill at the end of your Saturday, we have just the murder weapon. JaMarcus Shephard is either a finalist for Coach of the Year for taking a 2-10 team and turning it into this, or the voters should be mulched and replaced. The Beavs will get Boise State in two weeks for what passes as a showdown game in the Pac 8-Pretending-To-Be-12, so trappage is a consideration here. — Ray

Buffalo at Miami (OH) — Tuesday, 8:00 p.m. ET on ESPN

MACtion Tuesday gives us a fun one, with two of the conference’s better if imperfect teams. We’re hoping for a lot of points, particularly from the RedHawks, who have a much more efficient quarterback than the Bulls, and aren’t as dependent on pounding things out on the ground. — Israel

UTSA at Florida Atlantic — Thursday, 7:30 p.m. ET on ESPN

The only Texas team you can truly trust, against the only Florida team other than Miami you can trust. UTSA is 6-1, and FAU’s president didn’t apologize to his fan base the way Florida State’s did this week. Will Henderson III is probably worth a watch as the Roadrunners’ lead running back, especially against one of the worst rush defenses in the country. — Ray

YOUR OBERLIN MINUTE

We exhibited a momentary infatuation with Hilbert College last week because their Hawks had not won any of their previous 41 games as a program, and for that we are profoundly sorry. The Fightin’ Berts showed at least temporary gumption by taking a 21-18 halftime lead against equally winless Buffalo State last Saturday, but you know how this ended: 39-27, with Buffalo State finally reaching the win column. Meanwhile, our temporarily scorned Yeo took on Ohio Wesleyan in their Nobody Fights Alone game. As a fundraiser to help combat breast cancer, it was a success; as a football game, it was a 70-7 Oberlin loss. We eagerly await the Yeo juggernaut’s year-end showdown on Nov. 14 with still equally winless Wittenberg. — Ray