Why Your Team Sucks 2024: Jacksonville Jaguars

Some people are fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Lemon Bar: The Team. Show the hat.

If you’re still doin’ it all for the nookie, you have a home here.

Your 2023 record: 9-8. Things got REAL horny in Duval in the beginning there. Coming off a stunning comeback from being down 27-0 in the playoffs the year prior, these Jags opened 2023 by ripping off eight wins in their first 11 games. In any normal year, eight wins is enough to win the AFC South by four games. But, thanks to C.J. Stroud and the Texans, the Jags had to actually WIN their division this time around. And that proved to be quite the task for your men in teal, as evidenced by moments such as this one.

After going 8-3, the Jags lost five of their final six. They lost in overtime to Jake Browning, in a game where their own waterboy somehow cost them a timeout. They let a Medicare-eligible Joe Flacco toss three TDs against them in a loss to Cleveland. They were victimized by the coolest Lamar Jackson play of the season. They had to bring C.J. Beathard out of storage and let him play important downs. And they gave a company card to now-fired employee Amit Patel, who proceeded to charge more shit to that card than a stranded Kevin McCallister could ever dream of. Patel used team funds to make parlay bets that Vegas absolutely knew what to do with. He also bought NFTs on the team’s dime. Remember NFTs? No? Well here’s a spoiler for you: Everybody who bought one is rich now! RICH! RICH APES EVERYWHERE!

Despite all of that extremely Jaguars nonsense, this team was still in contention by the final week of the season. All they had to do was beat a 5-11 Titans team that had lost seven of their last nine going into the matchup. You know the deal with the late Vrabel-era Titans: can’t pass, can’t defend, can’t manage the clock, can’t try. Everyone on that Tennessee roster had already packed up their lockers by Thanksgiving. Fucking Northwestern could have beaten them. Here’s how the Jags fared in that three-inch putt of a game.

You know how you guys were up and coming a year ago? No longer. You’re just the Jaguars again.

Your coach: Ideal substitute teacher Doug Pederson. I swear this man won a Super Bowl once. And not even out of luck! He did good coaching stuff to win that title, and then he came to Jacksonville and worked small miracles in his first season as Not Urban Meyer.

But the Meyer season is now as distant as the look in a Duval meth-head’s eyes, and Pederson will have to go back to doing coaching stuff if he wants his time here to end without Nate Sudfeld being forced upon him. To placate the fans, Pederson fired defensive coordinator Mike Caldwell after last season, and then replaced him former Falcons DC Ryan Nielsen, who is worse. Don’t expect a Jaggy Special statue to be erected in your stadium pool anytime soon.

Your quarterback: Trevor Lawrence, or “Steezy Trev” as his no one calls him. Let’s marvel, together, at this man’s astonishing ball-handling skills:

The Jags gave The Steezer $142 million in guaranteed money this offseason, largely because they’ve never known what competent quarterback play looks like. Mark Brunell took this team to the AFC title game in its second year of existence. He is still, to this day, the greatest QB in Jaguars franchise history.

So keep that in mind when you ask yourself if Lil’ ‘Rence here is worth that much money. How would this team know the answer to that? They can’t even stage a football game at home without a mass syphilis outbreak happening in the stands. Maybe T-Lizzle is good, maybe he’s bad. Well, that’s more than you can say about Blake Bortles! So here’s $142 million for a man who’s a glaringly obvious candidate for “QB who will look amazing on his next team.” Sean McVay is already salivating at the prospect of landing him for a conditional second rounder.

And please don’t get at me with, “But Drew, Old Dirty Trev was hurt at the end of last season!” Oh really? Well guess how many QBs have had to play hurt for long stretches? ALL OF THEM. Tom Brady played for 20 years with more undisclosed ailments that Joe Biden has, and he won seven Super Bowls. Your guy couldn’t even beat the fucking Titans. You shouldn’t even want him anymore, especially when his new backup and the city of Jacksonville were made for one another:

I’d say I’m embarrassed for you guys, but I’ve seen the hat.

What’s new that sucks: After getting 1,000 yards and eight TDs out of accidental FanDuel spokesman Calvin Ridley, the Jags let him walk to Tennessee thanks to a contractual fuckup that I truly cannot parse. All you need to know is that Ridley is gone, and that this passing offense will rely almost entirely on rookie Brian Thomas Jr. for downfield success. Otherwise, Yung Law will have to get the ball to TE Evan Engram, who’s due to turn back into a New York Giant any day now; Gabe Davis, who’s here from Buffalo to catch an 85-yard touchdown pass and do nothing else; and Christian Kirk, who everyone is now safe to declare as overpaid.

All of this “offense” will be undergirded by a line that’s stacked with nothing but high draft picks but still ranks 23rd overall in the PFF projections. C Mitch Morse arrives from Buffalo to help with interior protection, but I’m not seeing a parade of unstoppable tush pushes as a result.

Over on defense, the most exciting news is that EDGE Josh Hines-Allen did all of the paperwork necessary to prevent people from confusing him with the Bills’ QB. You would’ve thought the fact that one Josh Allen is white and the other is black would be enough of a distinction, but I guess it wasn’t for the Mark Schlereths of this world.

Elsewhere, the unit lost underrated CB Darious Williams, DT Folorunso Fatukasi, and S Rayshawn Jenkins in the offseason, replacing them with DT Arik Armstead, S Darnell Savage, CB Ronald Darby (yes, he’s still in the NFL!), S Adrian Amos, and CB Tre Flowers. Will you notice any difference between this defense and the middling Jags defense from a year ago? Not if Ryan Nielsen has anything to do with it. Hey man, who the fuck is running things here?

What has always sucked: Oh right.

Yes, that’s still Trent Baaaaaaaaaaalke in charge of personnel in Jacksonville. The man who brought the NFL both Meyer AND head coach Jim Tomsula is still allowed to make important decisions for a franchise. And guess what, Jacksonville? He, and your team, aren’t going anywhere! START SPREADING THE FUMES!

In a 14-1 vote Tuesday, City Council approved the largest single spending development deal in city history at $775 million in stadium renovations and $56 million in an amended community benefits agreement. “I’ve had some calls over the past couple days, and we are the envy of the sports industry today,” Ron Salem, outgoing council president, said before the vote.

Are you, though? Because I really don’t hear many people in my line of work crying out, “God, if only every team was like the Jaguars!” I can’t even find FANS of this team anywhere in the Duval-spora. Why would I? This team has never won dick. They currently possess one of the worst short-yardage offenses in the league. Their lineage of pass rushers is horrific. Their organization is a microclimate that produces quarterbacks who can be counted on to look good in exactly five games per year, plus super-toolsy wide receivers who play in 11 games each, three of which feature them being held without a catch. And their current franchise QB is only cool because of his hair. The only reason I’d ever envy Jacksonville is if every other city on Earth got nuked.

So, as ever, putting a team in this city was a mistake. Nothing about the past three decades of its existence has changed that fact. Imagine rooting for a team, in 2024, to relocate. That’s what every non-Jags football fan does. Daily. And we’re right to. Please fuck off.

What might not suck: You guys took Ezra Cleveland off my team’s hands, handed him a new contract, and then watched him get hurt. I must admit I’m grateful for all of that.

HEAR IT FROM JAGUARS FANS!

Vaughan:

Peter fucking King picked us to win the fucking Super Bowl last year in his big “preview” when we haven’t had two consecutive winning seasons in a row since the Clinton administration. As a so-called “NFL expert” since the Civil War, you’d think that dope would take that fact into account but NO OF COURSE NOT CUZ HE IS A FATASS HACK AND A SHILL WHO JUST KISSED ASSES HIS WHOLE CAREER AND AFTER JINXING THE FUCK OUT OF OUR SEASON HE FUCKING RETIRED LIKE A BITCH.

Mike:

A year ago, when you sent out calls for WYTS, I vividly remember your plea for more emails from fans of shitty teams. More specifically, the Jags. I beckoned that call and fired up two years’ worth of pent-up aggression towards this franchise. When the Jags review dropped, I laughed and nodded. But as I continued to scroll, my entry was nowhere to be seen. I do not know what was more disappointing: the Jags pissing away another season, or not being included in WYTS. That quite frankly sums up Jags fandom: continually being let down.

Trevor morphed into a better looking and more talented Blaine Gabbert.

A different Mike:

The 2023 Jags SUCKED. Ridley couldn’t catch a cold, the o-line was somehow worse than 2022, and horrid coaching became the norm. We lost to the Titans to miss the playoffs this time around (yes I flew in for the game), with a 99% chance to make them several weeks before that game. Now the AFC South, once the worst division in the league, has a potential juggernaut in the Texans, a fantasy stud in Richardson and the Colts, and a Titans organization that I hate with every fiber in my being. I know the Titans will kick us out of the playoffs again despite being 2-14 at the time. We just paid our QB an insane amount of money without doing much of an overhaul on a line that is the equivalent of the Hard Rock Stadium gates at the Copa America Final. The window closed before it even opened. I hope I’m wrong, but history and my gut say I’m not.

Submissions for the NFL previews are now closed. Next up: Cincinnati Bengals.