Why Your Team Sucks 2024: Detroit Lions

Some people are fans of the Detroit Lions. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Detroit Lions. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: 24-7.

Your 2023 record: 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-724-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-724-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7.

Sorry. I’ve gotten ahead of myself. I’ve been working on these previews… 24/7… so do forgive me.

Now, these are the Detroit Lions, who I am previewing much later than usual. This is because they made the NFC title game last year. What happened? How did they get there? Did all of the other teams in the NFL die last year? No, but the NFC was absolute dogshit. So kudos to the Lions for navigating a 50-percent functional NFL to stage the most successful season in their modern history. They beat the defending champs in KC in the first game of the season, and then went on to win the NFC North in a walk at 12-5. True, they only beat two more winning teams after that Week 1 Bowl victory, but these are the Lions. Everything is relative.

Now for the lowlights. The Lions nailed a field goal at the gun to force OT in Seattle, and then lost on a Tyler Lockett walkoff TD in overtime anyway. They got crushed by both the Ravens (understandable) and the Bears (the fuck?). And Jordan Love staged his coming out party against them in Detroit on Thanksgiving Day, which means that the Lions’ “championship window” (shhh I’m trying to be kind here) had shrunk down to the size of a coaster. Their meatball of a head coach went for two at the gun to beat Dallas in Dallas, but ended up outsmarting himself (not hard), and getting pinched for allegedly not reporting OT Taylor Decker as an eligible receiver.

But the Lions coasted into the playoffs despite all of those fuckups. Once there, they snuck by their old QB, Matthew Stafford, for their first playoff victory since 1991. Then they beat Tampa in the divisional round before going to Santa Clara for the NFC title game. There, the Lions took a 24-7 halftime lead against the Niners, and it didn’t feel fluky in the least. We’re talking about Detroit posting 148 yards rushing in that half alone, with three different players running for a score within that timeframe. The Lions were the better team. They were pushing the big bad Niners around at will, and they were gonna go to the Super Bowl for the first time in their history. Their fans believed, and they were right to. All the Lions had to do was hold onto that 24-7 lead.

(my voice begins fading, as if you are waking from a dream)

A 24-7 lead…

A 24-7 lead…

A 24-7 lead…

Guess how many times the Lions ran the ball in the second half. Go on, guess. If you said, “20,” no. You’re WAY off. Fuck’s wrong with you? You think I’d ask you that question if the Lions had actually done a smart thing? Please. Lions coaches saw their men trample San Francisco for the opening 30 minutes and then decided they only needed to run the ball seven more times the whole game. They didn’t even run the ball on their two fourth-down attempts in that half (both attempts would fail). Keep in mind that Kyle Shanahan was on the OTHER sideline for this game. Wow. Shit. Butt.

By the end of the third quarter, Detroit’s lead was gone. By the end of the game, the roar was back in storage. No Super Bowl for you. No Super Bowl ever. Why? Well, let’s ask the whistle-twirler in charge of this joint.

Your coach: Dan Campbell, seen here behind his Lectern of Powerness:

I hope that lectern gets bigger with each successive press conference, until they can accommodate an entire freezer aisle underneath it. Campbell crying his eyes out after a tough loss while pulling out a Steak-Umm from below and gnawing on it while it’s still frozen.

Dan Campbell is five years away from being the dumbest member of the NFL Today studio crew. But for now, he’s the greatest Lions head coach of my lifetime, which is such a low bar for excellence that you need to borrow a submersible from James Cameron to find it. Tesla’s compliance department has a richer legacy than this organization. Regardless, I must now believe that there’s something special brewing with this coaching staff, mostly because offensive coordinator Ben Johnson decided to stick around rather than coach the dumbest team in the NFC East. Will Dan & Ben call more tackle-eligible plays at the goal line this season? Baby, that’s gonna be the ONLY play they run there. That’s how special the specialness brewing here is.

Your defensive coordinator is still Aaron Glenn, who stands as living proof that being adored by your players means nothing.

Your quarterback: Jared Goff, who just got $170 million guaranteed from Detroit as a reward for being surprisingly competent. Goff still got outplayed by Lil’ Brock Purdy in the NFC title game, and the next pass he completes under pressure will be his first. You know how “point guard” has replaced “game manager” as the go-to euphemism for a competent-but-not-special QB? Well, Jared Goff is the best damn point guard QB in the league right now. Think of all the Super Bowls you guys can almost win with this guy, and then tell me he’s not worth it. You can’t!

Behind Goff is Hendon Hooker. He’s not a point guard. He’s a floor sweeper.

What’s new that sucks: GM Brad Holmes, seen here being proud of his lectern, wasted no time this offseason. He locked up Goff, OT Penei Sewell, and WR Amon-Ra St. Brown with fat extensions, keeping Detroit’s offensive core intact for years to come. This is the best GM you guys have ever had. Again with the low bar.

The problem for Holmes is the WR group past St. Brown is now more dire than local economic conditions. Your WR2 is either Jameson Williams, who has an awful lot of Tavon Austin in him for my taste, or Kalif Raymond, who’s a great WR4. Past those two is … well, I guess you guys are gonna have to start throwing more screen passes than you did a year ago. RB Jahmyr Gibbs will run for 900 showy yards, and color guys will fawn over him like he’s the second coming of Marshall Faulk. He’ll then get six total carries once the postseason begins. Second-year revelation TE Sam LaPorta just recovered from a sore hammy, which means he’ll re-injure that hammy in about three weeks.

But the big story in Detroit this offseason was Detroit going all out to fix a pass defense that proved to be this team’s weakness late in 2023. The Lions rebuilt their secondary by trading for Bucs CB Carlton Davis, and then went with corners back-to-back in the first two rounds of the draft, with Terrion Arnold arriving from Bama and Ennis Rakestraw Jr. coming from Missouri. “Ennis Rakestraw Jr.” sounds like the name of one of the killers of the flower moon. Detroit also signed pass-rushing DT D.J. Reader to help with a perennially undermanned pass rush, along with EDGE Marcus Davenport, who’s only healthy enough to play when Venus is in transit. Glenn will still need (want) to call 0 blitzes in key moments to have any hope of getting opposing QBs on the turf. Aidan Hutchinson is still only one man, after all.

Guard Jonah Jackson skipped town to play for the Rams, and will be replaced by an aging Kevin Zeitler. Good thing you guys have a QB who can handle interior pressure with just a shake of the hips!

Kerby Joseph is dirty as shit.

What has always sucked: Detroit remains the only NFL team to play every season of the Super Bowl era without ever reaching the Super Bowl. Had Jerome Bettis never existed, I’m not sure that anyone in this city would know what the Super Bowl even was.

However, thanks to Holmes and Campbell, this organization finally has its shit together, so much so that only three other teams have better odds in Vegas to win the Super Bowl this year. This is your time, Detroit. And it’s gonna have to be, because the bills will come due starting in 2026. After that, you fuckers will have to ask the federal government for a bailout. Typical Michigan bullshit.

Did I mention that Michigan is canned ass? Every time an election rolls around, or Toyota reports record sales numbers, I gotta hear about how important Michigan is to this country. Fuck that. I don’t care if Michigan breaks off from the American mainland and gets cut in half by an ice breaker. Let it drown. This team was never worth a shit, and any state that needs to claim Eminem as an elder statesman has been culturally deceased for 20 years anyway. American cars are about as good as American beer. 24-7.

What might not suck: Pretty sure I’m gonna pick this team to win the NFC. Take that information how you see fit.

HEAR IT FROM LIONS FANS!

Doug:

That was it. This was not the start of something; that was the chance. This team is as loaded as it’s ever been and I’ll eat my hat if they even make the NFCCG again with this core. I hope I’m wrong, but I’d bet almost every Lions fan agrees with me even if they won’t admit it. 

Tim:

There goes my mantle of victimhood.

Travis:

It took maybe a month for us to become the most annoying fanbase online. 

Jon:

The insanely corny “Jared Goff” chants carried over into Red Wings home games and made me want to kill myself.

Derek:

This is the perfect season for the Lions to perform the greatest rug pull in history on their fans and return to their normal Lionsdom.

Patrick:

Writing this drunk from the beach. The Lions had Kindle Vidor covering Brandon Aiyuk on a deep ball during the single most important play in the history of the franchise.

Andrew:

I dumped my car in a drainage ditch leaving a friend’s house after the NFC title game. It was snowing. The AAA dispatcher consoled me for the loss without prompting. The tow truck driver told me he cried. I got home after 1AM. If this year goes poorly, I have zero doubt that this experience will forever be the peak moment of my Lions fandom.

Mike:

I watched Dan Campbell hit on 24 against the Niners and remembered why I don’t root for a pro football team.

Lee:

The one other time the Lions made the NFC championship game, they finished last in the division the next season and didn’t win another playoff game for 30 years.

Greg:

They’ll win the Super Bowl in 2090. I’ll be 109. At least they’ll be growing oranges in Detroit by then.

Hit Bull Win Steak:

Sixteen-year-old me in 1991, watching the Lions get annihilated by Washington in the NFC Championship Game: “What a great season. They’ll be back next year and will be a great team for years to come.”

My 16-year-old daughter last year, watching the Lions shit away a 17-point lead to the Niners in the NFC Championship: “They had a really great year. They’re good now and will go all the way next season.”

Time is a flat circle.

Anon:

Dan Campbell is Jerry Glanville with worse hair.

Robert:

Every glimmer of hope is just another freight train entering the tunnel.

Tim:

I am writing this at approximately 10:00 PM Eastern time on January 28, 2024. The Lions have just been eliminated from the NFC Championship game 34-31, in a game that never felt close at any point. And yet I still pulled a Lloyd Christmas and believed that the Lions – the fucking LIONS! – had a shot at a trophy. Of course they didn’t. They never could. They always have been and always will be the Lions. Winning the first half of a game by 17 points and then allowing a vulnerable opponent to score 27 straight to seal the deal is exactly the way this season was always meant to end. That Kyle Shanahan was leading the opposition is insult to injury. 

Fuck. FUCK!

Joe:

We knew this past Thanksgiving would be our last one at the Michigan home I grew up in, because my mom’s dementia had progressed enough that she wouldn’t be able to live alone any longer. So I thought, it’s finally time to go to the Thanksgiving game! I’d never been, and might never have the chance again. Plus, the Lions were legit this year and they were playing the garbage-ass, post-Aaron Rodgers Green Bay Packers, who they already embarrassed at Lambeau. Let’s fucking gooooo!

Ken:

The good news is my vasectomy was successful. The bad news is my three boys are still animals hellbent on destroying each other and everything I hold dear in life. Just like the Lions when they have high expectations.

Szymon:

Only the Lions could have one good season of Jared Fucking Goff and think, yeah, he should get most of our cap money. 

Everyone says they’ll be good this year, that they’re one of a handful of legitimate Super Bowl contenders. It’s a ruse. All of it. No fucking way. 

Todd:

According to the Barry Sanders documentary, back in the 90s Joe Montana was interested in playing for the Lions. Team management said, “Nah, why would we want a HOF quarterback when we already employ Scott Mitchell?”

Nate:

All I can think of is the 2017 Jacksonville Jaguars. A questionable quarterback having the best year of his life before crashing back to earth? A strong run game? Gritty throwback football? Check, check, and check. After that 2017 season, the Jaguars went straight back to the trash heap. There are just too many reasons that this Lions team will fall from grace the exact same way. 

I’ll chant his name, but I think I’d rather see Joe Biden try to scramble from the pocket than Jared Goff. Jameson Williams is just Darrius Heyward-Bey Presented By FanDuel. 

Pete:

I’ve spent this offseason having to defend Jared Goff’s contract while everyone else in the division has drafted a potential generational quarterback. Actually having expectations for this season is more stress than I can handle. I can’t pay taxes, vote, and expect the Lions to do well at the same time.

Sara:

I fret over every scrap of offseason news. I can’t enjoy it. I can’t look forward to this season with real hope. I know what I’m setting myself up for. I’ve seen Lucy pull the football away from Charlie Brown too many times to think that we will be allowed to pull this off. I will watch my team faceplant this year, and I will pay Sunday Ticket the princely sum of $449.00 for the privilege. 

Fuck Sunday Ticket. Fuck Brad Allen and the Cowboys. Fuck the moon (and the Packers). Someone tell Kelly Stafford to shut the fuck up about her college dating life.

(If we win the Super Bowl, you will find me face down sobbing pent-up tears of joy into someone’s living room rug. I have never wanted anything so much in my entire life, and I promise that I love my family very, very much. Jar-ed Goff! Jar-ed Goff!)

Dan:

Fuck Matt Millen, fuck Matt Patricia, fuck Bob Quinn and most of all fuck the refs who didn’t hear Taylor Decker report as eligible and fuck the NFL for covering it up.

Ibis:

I want you to imagine my spent-his-whole-life-in-Detroit grandfather. He is 98 years old. He can’t walk, can’t bathe himself, regularly falls, and regularly shits himself. He eats plain rice and nothing else, takes like 12 pills a day, and is depressed. I am fully convinced he would pay someone to end his life if he could. Every Christmas we get together as a family and celebrate him still being alive, and he looks so fucking pissed about it.

Anyways, this is a dude who has been a fan his entire life. Look where it has gotten him. In 2023 he had two strokes and three major falls. But he was hanging on as the Lions’ season continued. We all kind of hoped he would see the Lions win the whole thing then pass peacefully in his sleep that night. About halfway through the NFC Championship, I finally started to believe the Lions would release him from their curse.

NOPE. The Lions fucking suck. Let my grandpa be at peace.

Matt:

I cannot believe I’m here. I’ve lived for 59 years. Greg Landry was my first favorite player. I watched the lamentable Joe Reed sing the national anthem before a Thanksgiving Day game as the Lions slinked their way to their annual 8-6 finish. I watched, conservatively, 99% of Barry Sanders’ carries. I’ve been a fan as long as I can remember, and I have the scars to prove it. 

We’ve had preseasons where we were media darlings, but I didn’t really believe them. This time, though? Maybe. And here I go again, setting myself up to be sadder than sad. Again.

We don’t deserve the attention. Stop talking about us, I’m fucking BEGGING you.

Dan:

Lions fans: keep eating asses in parking lots, try to forgive Matt Millen, and be sure to enjoy this Lions ride.

But also, fuck William Clay Ford sideways with a lunchbox.

Kiah:

I write this as my wife is in labor with our first son, who is destined to never see a Super Bowl. Just like me, my parents, and their parents before them. Sorry, kid.

Submissions for the NFL previews are now closed. Next up: Baltimore Ravens.