We Must Free Joe Burrow

Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday at Defector during the NFL season. Got something you wanna contribute? Email the Roo. And buy Drew’s book, The Night The Lights Went Out, through here.

The advent of a 14-team playoff field in the NFL has forever neutered the possibility that a deserving team might not make it into the bracket. Not that you could make such arguments convincingly before; it’s not like I’m shedding tears for Matt Cassel and the 2008 Patriots. But a smaller field made the idea of bubble teams just plausible enough for Stephen A. Smith to make his best “Excuse me?!” face whenever a boring-ass 10-win team somehow got excluded. Any team that misses the playoffs now is one that indisputably deserves to, regardless of its preseason expectations or standout individual performances. You thought you could get in with style points, but you can’t. You are scum. Garbage. Dogshit. The Raiders by another name.

This brings us to the Cincinnati Bengals, who won’t be appearing on my television this weekend despite employing the league leaders in sacks (Trey Hendrickson), receiving yards/TDs/catches (Ja’Marr Chase), cool Tee Higgins shit (Tee Higgins), and passing yards (Joe Burrow). Would I have preferred to see this team in the Wild Card round over, say, the Houston Texans? I think we all would. But that’s not gonna happen, because they fucking blew it. The Bengals got off to a desultory 1-4 start, leaving them needing a handful of breaks to fall their way in Week 18 to snatch the No. 7 seed in the AFC and officially become the Team No One Wants To Play. [Dave McKenna voice] Now they’re just the Team No One Will Play, heading into the offseason in search of a new defensive coordinator and ways to keep their best player happy.

Let’s talk about that player for a moment. Joe Burrow won’t be winning MVP this season, but he threw for nearly 4,900 yards and 43 TDs despite being sacked more times than all but three other players. With no due respect to Boomer Esiason, Burrow is already the greatest passer in Bengals history. But he has nothing to show for it this season, and he may spend the following years with even less.

This is because the Bengals’ three other All Pro–level players are dying to get the fuck out. Higgins will be a free agent in March after playing under the franchise tag this season. Hendrickson is going into his final year of his deal, and requested a trade last spring (as did Higgins) because the Bengals refused to give him a new deal. As for Chase, he held in during training camp hoping to get a new deal of his own, only for Bengals owner and It’s A Wonderful Life villain Mike Brown to ultimately refuse. Cincinnati exercised the fifth-year option on Chase’s rookie deal to keep him around in 2025, but the odds of Chase reporting to the team without a proper extension, one that reflects his current status as the receiving Triple Crown winner, are virtually nonexistent.

Higgins and Burrow were drafted together. Chase and Hendrickson joined the team a year later, and an AFC title immediately followed. Taken together, these four men are their own Super Bowl window. They ARE the Bengals. Yet there remains a scenario where only Burrow takes the field for them in 2026. And while Aaron Rodgers was busy hogging all of the world’s oxygen to badmouth everyone and everything around him, Burrow was just about as pointed in his public admonishments toward his own organization. Here he was in October, saying the Bengals were “not a championship-level team right now.” And here he was just a week ago, not even bothering with passive aggression and just stating outright, “You don’t want to make a living out of letting great players leave the building. And I think that’s why you gotta do everything you can to get those deals done early.” Burrow is grousing like Rodgers, except A) He’s still good at football, and B) The people around Burrow actually HAVE failed him.

Because these are the Bengals, and you know how they’ve made a living as long as you’ve known them. They don’t do everything they can to get these deals done early. They do let great players leave the building. Ask safety Jessie Bates, who was a vital part of Cincinnati’s 2021 Super Bowl run, but fled to Atlanta when the Bengals cheaped out on him. Better yet, ask Carson Palmer, who became so disgusted with Brown’s parsimony that he faked his own retirement to force a trade to Oakland. Palmer would spend two forgettable years with the Raiders before going to Arizona and making the NFC title game with Bruce Arians as his head coach. He had to move a lot of furniture around to get where he wanted to be, but he got there.

Burrow is gonna have to do likewise. His current deal keeps him imprisoned in Cincinnati until 2029, and I have no doubt that he’s already pondered a scenario where everyone leaves but him and he’s forced to spend the rest of this decade posting record numbers for a team that only gets worse. I also have no doubt that this prospect makes Burrow, who is insane in ways that all great athletes are insane, want to kill Mike Brown with his bare hands. Shit, I wanna help Burrow commit that murder. We all would. Hall of Fame quarterbacks are the most precious resource in all of sports. I can’t let the fucking Bengals piss one away over the course of four more agonizing years.

That’s why I have no choice but to tell Burrow, point blank, to force his way out of town. This isn’t the NBA, where any disgruntled player not named Jimmy Butler can name his preferred trade destination and make it a reality. The NFL is allergic to player empowerment, and the last big-name QB to successfully force his way out of town was Deshaun Watson, who had to sit out an entire year and sexually assault half of Texas to finally make it happen. Mike Brown is more than equal to Texans owner Cal McNair when it comes to acts of fuckery, and Burrow doesn’t appear to be a secret lech, so this will be an even trickier extraction process. But it needs to happen.

Free Joe Burrow. Under Brown’s stewardship, the Bengals have proven to be an organization that doesn’t deserve nice things. Ever. They got lucky when Burrow was free at the top of the 2020 draft, but you don’t win in the NFL on luck alone. You win by giving your best players everything they need—teammates, coaching, facilities—to succeed. In the case of Burrow, his franchise only exists to take those necessities away. It’s malpractice, it’s ugly, and it’s all public. We won’t see Joe Burrow playing for the Bengals this weekend. I hope we never see him play for them again.

The Games

All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms. And for the playoffs, I PICK the games, because doing so makes me strong and brave.

Five Throwgasms

Rams 24 (+3), Vikings 19. For the sake of objectivity, I asked editor Barry Petchesky to pick all of the Vikings’ playoff games as long as they remain standing. This week, he’s picked the Rams. I must now destroy him.

But if I were a neutral party, I’d probably pick L.A., too. The Vikings already played a road game against Baby Hank Scorpio and the Rams back in October. Puka Nacua spent that game doing whatever he wanted, and Minnesota lost by 10 after Sam Darnold got safety-ed by the face mask on the final drive. That loss came four days after the Vikings had lost a game to—you guessed it—the Detroit Lions. So it’s only natural to believe that little slice of history will repeat itself, especially after Darnold played one of his worst games of the season in Detroit a week ago.

But hey, only the entire world was watching when he turned into a broken sprinkler back there. I’m not bitter. Stop saying I’m bitter. You don’t know me.

I could tell you that Sunday night’s Darnold was NOT the same Darnold I’ve seen all season long. I could make a 50-page PowerPoint deck showing all of the numbers that prove it. I could roll tape of all of the big-boy throws he made to beat Green Bay, Seattle, and other notable foes. I could even call in eyewitnesses. My case would be airtight. You wouldn’t believe a word of it, and I couldn’t blame you. I’ll hate you forever, but that’s because I have issues, not because you (or Barry) did anything wrong.

(NOTE: This game may end up being relocated due to the wildfires currently engulfing Los Angeles. My request to the league that it be moved to Minnesota went unanswered.)

Eagles (-4.5) 21, Packers 13. I’m not picking Philly simply because I like them better. I can’t stand the Eagles. Ask around. In fact, it would be better for my team if Green Bay won and spared Minnesota a divisional-round trip back to Detroit. For that alone, I should join with the rest of the footballnescenti and cheer on Lil’ Jordan Love and his miracle gang.

But it’s my job as a sportswriter to analyze this game rationally, and my final analysis is that Jalen Carter will screw Love into the turf like he’s a fucking hex bolt, and that A.J. Brown will go for 150+ on a Green Bay secondary that might have to play Tim Boyle at cornerback. Then Matt LaFleur will make a lot of angry-kid faces and I will make myself a batch of cookies to celebrate.

Bucs (-3) 33, Commanders 29. Maitreyi noted it earlier this week, but there were few more heartwarming moments this NFL season than when the Bucs deliberately threw an endgame pass to Mike Evans to get him his 11th 1,000-yard season and, more importantly, a $3 million contract bonus:

Every Sunday evening, I watch the NFL Network’s highlight show to catch anything I missed from the 1 p.m. and 4 p.m. slates. Gameday Highlights is hosted by Best Damn Sports Show castoff Chris Rose, who does a perfectly cromulent job recapping all of the day’s games, even when he’s making the same Back to the Future reference at least half a dozen times per episode. Because the majority of Week 18’s games had little to no playoff implications, Rose spent all of last Sunday’s edition highlighting players who hit their performance bonuses. This has become something of an annual practice for Week 18 highlights, and I fiercely approve.

No one cares about whether or not you, the fan, made any money from what happened out there. But tell me that Random Lineman X earned himself a cool $500k with that sack and I’m ready to hose him down with twin bottles of Dom Perignon. The league should present these bonuses to players on the spot. On the field. In cash. Packed into a sleek metal attaché case. Literally, show me the money.

Four Throwgasms

None.

Three Throwgasms

Bills (-8.5) 28, Broncos 10. If Denver somehow manages to win this game (they won’t), it’ll be because Marvin Mims did a lot of cool shit.

Two Throwgasms

Ravens (-10) 30, Steelers 9. Probably no Zay Flowers for this one, but the Ravens are one of the best teams in terms of DVOA in history, while the Steelers have been doing their finest Titans impression for the past month. This is one of those games I think we’ll just be happy to have out of our way come next week. Not unlike…

Chargers (-2.5) 27, Texans 10. Jim Harbaugh never got much run for Coach of the Year this season, probably because he’s weird as shit. But it’s worth recognizing what he’s managed do this season with a Chargers roster that could be best described as Justin Herbert and a cooler full of turkey sandwiches. Find me another coach who can make a running game out of the Ravens’ infirmary, who can turn Quentin Johnston into a player who can actually catch the ball (occasionally), and who can cobble together a top-10 pass defense using only Derwin James and Joey Bosa’s five remaining brain cells. The man knows how to win, usually by turning his organization into an ambiguous yet charming death cult.

One Throwgasm

None. Savor the mass orgy of pro and college ball this weekend, because you and I won’t have it this good again until September.

Last season’s picks: 7-6

Pregame Song That Makes Me Wanna Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

“Elektra,” by Refused! From Mike:

In my opinion the kings of the genre. This is a newer song of theirs that starts hard and gets progressively louder. If you don’t feel like tearing down fucking everything around you afterward, then I dunno what to say.

I just wanna pop a gummy and watch this video on a loop. That animation was made for being high as balls.

Fire This Asshole!

Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2024 chopping block:

Robert Saleh—FIRED!
Dennis Allen—FIRED!
Matt Eberflus—FIRED!
Doug Pederson—FIRED!
Jerod Mayo—FIRED!
Antonio Pierce—FIRED!
Brian Daboll—NOT FIRED WTF!
Shane Steichen—NOT FIRED WTF!
Mike McCarthy
Zac Taylor
Brian Callahan

What a rip-off. I went into Black Monday expecting blood, I got a pillow attack. I even had to wait until Tuesday for Antonio Pierce to be fired. Tuesday! What took you so long, Mark Davis? Had a Supercuts appointment you just couldn’t get out of?

This is on me for failing to account for the truly hideous pool of available coaching talent out there. When Mike Vrabel is a hot commodity, you know that the selection is about as good as your local grocery store just before a blizzard strikes. “Ugh, they’re all out of Campbells!”

As for Trent Baaaaaaaaaaaalke keeping his job in Jacksonville, you guys clearly have an owner problem. No front office overhaul is gonna fix any of that. There’s a place where Rex Ryan really CAN get work.

Great Moments In Poop History

Reader Jim sends in this story I call POOPERHERO:

My grandson takes gummy vitamins when he stays with us. As I looked at the label, I asked myself, “Why are Superheroes always gritting their teeth”?

We need to take a moment and reflect on the costs of being a Marvel Hero. Taking care of the world must be more stressful than any of us could imagine, and there appears to be a more difficult and darker side to these responsibilities as well. I’m sure it is wonderful to boast of having the powers of flight, super-strength, and energy manipulation. But the toll man, the toll.

Look at these faces. These guardians of humanity are all suffering the trauma of Painful Bowel Movements. The sacred trust of saving humanity often precludes time for a healthy, fiber rich diet. When coupled with an all-too-common lack of sleep and inadequate hydration, this is what happens. The Hulk needs bulk. Thor hasn’t had a good hammer drop since when? Captain Americas Super-Soldier serum let him survive freezing in solid ice for 70 years, but apparently his bowels still haven’t thawed out. Then there’s Iron Man. I don’t even want to think about shitter time for Tony Stark. Having an ARC reactor as your primary energy source redefines the term “Atomic Pile.” Stool softeners could change their lives, relieving them from having to suffer in silence. You poor, poor bastards, our undying gratitude is yours.

You better believe that I ask myself “When do they poop?” during any big superhero extravaganza.

And Now Let’s Go Down To The Sideline And Check In With Charissa Thompson

“Drew, I just got finished talking to Steelers wideout George Pickens and I asked him what would be different this game from the last time his team played in Baltimore. He told me that this week, he and his teammates have ‘that buffalo swing.’ When I asked Pickens what that meant, he made a series of odd, guttural noises from the back of his throat, and then he began swiveling his hips in a counterclockwise motion. Then he told me, ‘Buffalo are like that: powerful and swingy. So that’s how we’re gonna be.’ Back to you, Drew.”

Thank you, Charissa.

Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week

The timeless Stroh’s, which I’ve somehow never featured in this space. Reader Andrew is here to remedy that omission.

As a native Michigander and Lions fan, I humbly submit Stroh’s Beer for your consideration. In typical Detroit fashion, Stroh’s was one of the more successful American breweries in the 60s and 70s, then fell out of favor by failing to respond to its competitors when light beer became popular. The company was eventually sold to PBR, and they now produce it for sale across southeast Michigan. Fun fact: the largest seller of Stroh’s is the Detroit City Football Club, which occasionally sells it for just $2 a can before matches. I once found it in the NA beer section of a liquor store in a Detroit suburb. Knowing that it comes in at a standard 4.5% ABV, I drank it myself out of respect for those trying to avoid alcohol.

Thank you for your service, Andrew.

Gameday Movie Of The Week For Titans Fans

Robert Altman’s M*A*S*H, which I only watched for the first time a year ago because A) I hated the M*A*S*H TV show when I was a kid, and B) I really hated that show’s opening theme song, and still do. “Suicide is Painless” comes on at the opening of Altman’s movie, only you get Johnny Mandel’s original recording of it (with lyrics!) instead of the funereal instrumental version that tortured me throughout my childhood. It’s an improvement, although not a substantial one.

Speaking of being a kid, 12-year-old me would have loved this movie. In fact, you could argue the 1970 M*A*S*H gave birth to all of the fratcoms that I worshipped back then, Animal House and Revenge of the Nerds foremost among them. You got Donald Sutherland and Elliott Gould playing two Korean War surgeons who use their tour of duty to drink, get laid, play golf, and play all sorts of zany pranks on the rest of their base camp. You better believe that their stuck-up superiors don’t approve of such hijinks!

But I’m old and responsible now, which means that I wasn’t as delighted when Hawkeye and Trapper John engineered a way for the rest of their company to get a look at Sally Kellerman butt-naked. I don’t like it when movies like Slap Shot get retroactively canceled, and I don’t like feeling like a tight-ass. But I watched M*A*S*H and mostly thought to myself, “Hey man, these guys are kinda being dicks.” I did love the guy on the loudspeaker though. Two stars.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote

“I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such films as The Boatjacking of Supership 79 and Hydro, the Man With the Hydraulic Arms. Coming up this hour on the Impulse Buying Network, your chance to own a piece of Itchy and Scratchy, the toontown twosome beloved by everyone! Even cynical members of Generation X!”

Enjoy the playoffs, everyone.