John Rocker Reveals Our Fantasy Draft Order At His Discretion
The 14th season of “OUCH, My Fucking Clavicle!” is upon us. A league known for its inappropriate fantasy football team names.
Yes, the league is smoking cigarettes, using swear words, MASTURBATING, and skipping days of 9th grade – regularly.
So who better to announce 2025 draft order than noted asshole John Rocker?
But how did we get here?
In the year of our Lord, 2012, Chargers running back Ryan Mathews was a “can’t miss” fantasy first round pick.
Coming off a 1,500+ total yard 50+ rec, 6 TUD season in limited duty, the Mathews Hype was at peal levels entering year 3 as he took the reigns from newly departed best fantasy RB ever, LaDainian Tomlinson.
He was the “missing link” in an offense that featured Vincent Jackson, A Gates, Malcom Floyd, and Triggerman/father of ELEVENTEEN, Philip Rivers.
But then, he broke his right FUCKING CLAVICLE on his first preseason carry – for a nice 5 yard gain which would easily lead the NFL over a full season, .5 fantasy points – and sucked ass all year.
According to numerous reports, including players at field level, after the sound of his clavicle cracking subsided, Mathews reportedly screamed, “OUCH, My FUCKING CLAVICLE – I’m reasonably sure its broken!”
(https://www.nfl.com/news/ryan-mathews-of-san-diego-chargers-breaks-clavicle-0ap1000000048067)
Not only was Ryan “Raw Dog” Mathews broken, but so were innumerable fantasy teams who had selected him with their first round pick. He missed the first 2 weeks and was compromised for far more.
In week 3 he scored his first TUD of the season – and what would be his ONLY TUD of the season.
Then in Week 15, the unthinkable happened in the fantasy playoffs – he broke his LEFT FUCKING clavicle.
(https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/chargers-rb-ryan-mathews-headed-to-ir-with-broken-clavicle/)
According to numerous reports from people at field level, after the sound of his clavicle being crushed against the force of an unforgiving earth, he reportedly screamed, “OUCH, MY FUCKING CLAVICLE – THIS TIME i BROKE MY LEFT ONE!’
Per the Mayan calendar, 12/21/2012 was supposed to be the end of the world. And for many fantasy owners, their world ended with the sound of Mathews’ fragile clavicles being crushed to dust.
Is this YOUR year to get completely buttfucked? Your fate awaits.
Past Champions List:
1st Place | 2nd Place | 3rd Place | Your Finish
2024 Restaurant with Ted Danson Demardiac Arrest lSmotherdngravy 12th
2023 Captain Insano Castillo Nation Demardiac Arrest 9th
2022 Penis Inspector 🍆🍆🍆 Deshaun’s Massage Envy Captain Insano 1st
2021 Penis Inspector 🍆🍆🍆 Captain Insano The Boner Express!!! 1st
2020 Penis Inspector 🍆🍆🍆 Sen. Ernie McCracken Buc Nasty 1st
2019 Da Beers Sen. Ernie McCracken Lit & Gay AF 10th
2018 Captain Insano Dickface HernandezNeckTieCo 12th
2017 Marty Ball Dickface Lit & Gay AF 7th
2016 Buttfuckin’ Marty Ball Tom’s lot lizard 1st
2015 Captain Insano The Boner Express!!! DCarr4MVP 7th
2014 DCarr4MVP The Boner Express!!! Sacks to be Cutler 8th
2013 The Boner Express!!! K.C.C.O. Captain Insano 8th
2012 WhoWnts2SmellMadonna FLF Crew IPG 1st
