I Lost My Coffee | Defector
Yesterday, I ran into a problem. At around 4:00 p.m. ET, I poured myself a fresh cup of coffee. Then I had a brief video call with a colleague, for 15 or 20 minutes. Once the call was over, I went to take a sip of my coffee. It wasn’t there. It wasn’t anywhere. I couldn’t find my coffee.
To get some other minds on the case, I told the Defector staff I had lost my coffee. They were very invested in finding it. Here is the story of the lost coffee, as told through an edited Slack transcript.
Tom Ley
ive gotten myself into a bit of a barry-style jam
i filled up a nice hot cup of java, put it down somewhere and had a zoom call for like 20 min, and now i cannot find my nice hot cup of java
Samer Kalaf
is wesley home
[Ed. note: Wesley is Tom’s wife.]
Tom Ley
im all alone
being driven mad by my missing java
Samer Kalaf
next question is: did you go outside at all between java and now
Tom Ley
no
Samer Kalaf
hmm
Dave McKenna
dang. this is my life
look in the sink or on the stove
David Roth
Simply go around your house sniffing vigorously
Dave McKenna
best value longshot i’ve found is on the banister or some place a bit elevated cuz you’re looking lower for a cup
Tom Ley
i think the only potential answer here is that i placed it on the counter and walked away and came back and forgot that was new java and poured it out and put it in the dish washer
tho i have no memory of doing that
Samer Kalaf
is the mug in the dishwasher?
Tom Ley
another complicating factor is that i am making red sauce so i cannot smell java over sauce smell
there a few mugs in the dishwasher but i cant remember which one i was using
none of em are wet
i guess i need to call off the search
ive checked every surface
Maitreyi
it’ll turn up when it turns up
dave mckenna
think of others
we gotta see the end of this movie
Maitreyi
but check the garbage
Samer
is it in the fridge? on top of the fridge? in the microwave?
Maitreyi
oh in microwave is a good guess
ive left coffee in there before
Samer
or like think of places where you might need to set it down to pick something up with two hands
billy
sometimes i’ll be looking for my phone and not realize that it’s actually already in my hand, have you checked there yet tom?
[20 minutes pass]
Albert Burneko
tom did the coffee show up yet or do i have to go insane
Tom Ley
ive settled on the “i poured it out” theory
Albert Burneko
i’m sorry i cannot accept this until the memory has been recovered
Diana
Oh I do this once a day
At least
Tom Ley
yeah that’s the issue that remains bert
i need to undergo hypnosis now
Drew Magary
Just make another pot
Actually you probably already have
Albert Burneko
that doesn’t solve the problem of the missing coffee!
Drew Magary
Yes but he gets coffee
Eases the sting
Albert Burneko
that’s like telling Charles Lindbergh to just have another baby!!!!
i’m gonna be, like, trying to distract myself from this literally when i go to bed tonight
[It is now 10 a.m., the following morning]
Tom Ley
wesley found the cup of java
Maitreyi Anantharaman
!!!
Luis Paez-Pumar
!
Albert Burneko
!!!!!!
Kathryn Xu
omg
Lauren Theisen
wait WHAT
Sabrina Imbler
holy shit
Maitreyi Anantharaman
i gasped out loud
Albert Burneko
hwhwhwhwhwhere was it????
David Roth
What was the location
Maitreyi Anantharaman
i bet it was somewhere high
Barry Petchesky
i bet it was somewhere low
Albert Burneko
i bet it was somewhere medium
Kathryn Xu
floor
Tom Ley
it was in the office, on a skinny dresser in the corner by where the wifi router is. the reason it was there is that i was walking around with it and realized that sancho had fucked with the router and knocked it over so i must have put it down to fix the router and then forgot about it
[Ed. note: Sancho is a dog.]
Maitreyi Anantharaman
it was low???
Albert Burneko
“every surface,” huh??????
Barry Petchesky
what was the height of the coffee
Tom Ley
like hip level
Sabrina Imbler
in my mind I was thinking it would be on the skinny dresser………
Samer Kalaf
Good mystery, good resolution
Tom Ley
i guess my eyes just never go to that corner of the office
i never think about it
because i def came in here yesterday several times and turned on the lights and looked around
Albert Burneko
what did the mug look like
was it camouflaged
Barry Petchesky
yeah what color is mug
Tom Ley
white mug
against white walls
Maitreyi Anantharaman
sounds like you need to paint your walls a dark color
Tom Ley
yeah i cant let this happen again
Albert Burneko
yeah or like, weird zebra stripes of color
no mug will hide against them
Tom Ley
im really glad i didn’t pour it out and put it in the dishwasher because i was kinda spooked about that being the answer and not having even a sliver of a memory
Ray Ratto
We’re all missing the plot here. How did it taste a day later, and don’t say you didn’t try it.
Tom Ley
ok yeah i did take a little sip just to see
it was fine
Ray Ratto
Big Cool Tom’s Router Shelf Java — It Lasts Forever.
