Good morning, staff. Thank you for participating in this plenary meeting, or, as I prefer to think of it, all—Heart Meeting. As you know, I will be returning to the office after a period of statutory leave to hear and learn from your recent complaints about me.
After a rueful summer in Europe, I attended Burning Man this past week, consuming tons of psilocybin mushrooms in an attempt to expand my awareness. I was a different person when I came back to you. I have achieved peace of mind that I never dreamed of before. For example, I saw the stark inequality in our patriarchal marriage system and decided to live an ethically non-monogamous life, which I will share with my wife Lisa at home later tonight a decision. Most importantly, I now understand the flaws in our capitalist society and I am ready to start making changes.
From now on, as a company, we are turning to radical empathy.
There will be some changes around the office. As you may have noticed, we have removed vending machines from public areas. They’ll soon be replaced by cabinets full of free plant-based treats. This is part of our ongoing holistic plan for employee wellness, which also includes the installation of a rooftop meditation garden and the introduction of optional but highly encouraged company-wide 6 yes Yoga class. All of this is aimed at cultivating spiritual, mental and physical health in a way that Western medicine has traditionally failed to do. Therefore, we will no longer subsidize employee health insurance policies. The for-profit healthcare industry is a moral disgrace, and as CEO, I can no longer force my employees to participate.
Also, I had an epiphany last Thursday when I howled at the moon during a binge. Many of you have been lobbying for increased paid leave after the birth of a child.Today I am announcing our new policy unlimited PTO – Paid To Work! They say it takes an entire village to raise a child. What’s a sleek, state-of-the-art $250 million corporate campus if not a modern village? After the baby is born, you no longer have to be restless at home, worrying about losing your sense of identity and purpose. Instead, you will continue to work, making an important contribution to our shared mission, while your colleagues assist you with childcare during breaks and other unscheduled breaks. I’ve always said that this company is like a family, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to embody that ideal. Of course, with my busy schedule and frequent divorces, I will continue to hire a nanny to care for my children, Ian and Reagan.
But that’s not all! When last week’s psychedelic trip was at its peak, I closed my eyes and saw myself from outside my body, flying through space at the speed of light, among the brilliant twinkling stars. I realized that from a cosmic perspective, we are tiny specks that exist for only a brief, fragile moment before disappearing forever. When we leave, it’s as if we were never here, otherwise it’s the folly of the human ego. That’s what I plan to tell them next week when I’m called to testify before the EPA. How can I, who barely exists, dump hundreds of tons of non-biodegradable material in a protected sanctuary? I’m just a flickering shadow in the candlelight of history. Could the US government impose a $1.6 billion shadow fine on environmental crimes? Sounds kind of ridiculous when you say that, doesn’t it?
Before I wrap up, I want to share the biggest takeaway from my 7-day mushroom trip: none you or Ionly us and us, are inseparable. That’s why it’s hard for me to announce that we’re going to implement a 10 percent layoff immediately.Since we are ultimately a single cosmic entity, we are like all get fired.On the other hand, since many of us will still be here, and we’re essentially clouds of stardust mixed together, it’s like not any us leaving.
Some might accuse me of only caring about creating shareholder value.In this regard, I want to say: what value is better than share with and Keep Space for each other? If I can’t run our company according to these principles, I don’t want to run it at all.And, believe me, I will no Relinquish my management role, no matter what our board majority says.
Thank you for listening to this overview of the future of this company, which I think will ultimately be the blueprint for society as a whole. If you have any doubts about any of this, I will unfortunately be spending the rest of the day in a sensory deprivation tank recovering from my grueling mental voyage. But although my doors are closed, my heart is still open. See you tomorrow morning at yoga. Except for those who were fired.
So, family, before we meet next time, I want you to go out and do what we do every day – make those little rubber things that keep people’s earphones from falling out of their ears. ❖
