“Sorry, I don’t buy that kind of insurance. Or any insurance. It’s too complicated.”
“Can we stop talking about traumatic events in your childhood? That’s totally true — I just find it very exciting to hear.”
“How was the last week for you? Are you still holding on to that toxic relationship so you don’t go through the breakup?”
“Have you ever thought, to think twice before acting? Sorry if it’s obvious, I just never see you do it.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss. Would it help to see a picture of a whippet wearing a little sweater? Maybe a video of an unlikely friend animal? I let them play quietly on my phone – I put my phone behind the clipboard – I pretended to take notes the whole time. It’s just that what you said was really sad and I needed some refreshment. Here you go take a look.”
“That guy sounds like a jerk. Show me his social media — we can make fun of him together.”
“Maybe your friends won’t keep abandoning you if you don’t throw all your problems at them. That’s it I am Do you remember the purpose of coming here? Unless you start paying them too. oh what is that no you don’t? You just expect everyone to be emotionally available to you with no boundaries, or they’re ‘not real friends’? “
“I hope you don’t mind me laying on the couch this time. I’m just really tired. All my clients are exhausted today. Feel free to sit in my chair.”
“Maybe instead of telling me you’re thinking about how to cheat on your girlfriend, think about celibacy so she and all the other women can get away from you.”
“Whenever you bring up your marriage, I always sit there and think, why hasn’t his wife divorced him yet? I mean, you’re clearly not doing your part. This woman must have had enough. I bet you expect compliments every time you do the dishes. You’re the kind of person who makes me see the institution of marriage as a form of slavery. I’ll tell you to get couples therapy, but I support the end of your marriage.”
“Your friend sounds annoying. I refuse to elaborate.”
“Listen, you can get into another codependent dynamic, or you can push me out the fucking window. Which one is it?”
“What’s wrong with you? Don’t answer the question—it’s rhetorical.”
“If I had your job, I’d be miserable. I honestly don’t know how someone like you gets through the day.”
[Spinning around in chair.] “Hoo hoo!”
“I admire your ability to lie to yourself.”
“Congratulations on your pregnancy, but your kids will laugh at you. You really shouldn’t be with any kids until you stop behaving like a child. Is there any way I can prescribe medication?”
“If I have to hear you complain again about this married man you slept with, so be it. Get better morals. The problem isn’t his wife, it’s him. Good luck.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever see you again. Unfortunately, you look completely beyond repair.” ❖
