I was curious to try turning thirty after hearing self-help gurus swear it was the secret to finally accepting yourself and being happy. Although they also mentioned ayahuasca and moving to New York, both of those things gave me diarrhea. But I went ahead and did the damn thing, so if you’re one of those under twenty-nine who’s considering this but has reservations, read on to see if thirty is for you.
You’ll have more cleaning products at your disposal.
At almost any time of the day, if there’s a better way to deep clean your carpets, pans, or ceiling fans, you’ll be tempted to Google it. You’ll search Reddit posts and traverse the dark web to find DIY soap recipes that recreate seventh grade science knowledge. Some people swear by using Elmer’s Glue mixed with vinegar and chicken broth to remove wine stains, and you should definitely give it a try.
More silence.
Once you cross the twenty-nine-eleven-month mark, the age where no TikTok influencer dares to speak out loud, the number of loud-talking people in your inner circle suddenly drops off. Those people you used to hang out with, work at a higher average decibel level, randomly yell about their rashes at Bonefish Grill, they will just disappear from your life.
Emily Mariko is about to get even more interesting.
Food influencers once existed on the periphery of your consciousness. Now you’ll remember what’s in their refrigerator and bookmark their recipes. You’ll be marinating meats, sprinkling with herbs, and sending air fryer recipes to friends on a regular basis. They’ll plead with you to limit your quota to once per day, but you won’t listen. Eight minutes to cook salmon? ! This is the next industrial revolution. The world needs to know.__
Your plants will stay viable.
If a pot of basil could unite like orcas, they would overthrow you in an instant for all the relatives you killed. But things will be different now. It will take you longer to get home. It’s great there! The temperature is just right. There’s no forced conversation, there’s free parking, and you finally have time to water the basil.
Sex will get better.
Whether it’s because your standards (and protein intake) are higher or because the peer-reviewed toys you bought on Amazon now cost more than your phone, your mid-twenties high is over . Also, the way you give orders now? You’ll make a great lieutenant.
You will no longer care what Phil thinks.
Phil was that cool guy you used to try to impress because he would stay out until 4 p.m. yes He was always pouring drinks and telling sharp “jokes.” But you’ve come to realize over the years that Phil is kind of terrible – he’s unreliable and has too many opinions about “The Little Mermaid.” So fuck Phil.
You’ll turn down wedding invitations.
And you won’t even come up with a good reason. Your decision-making skills will no longer be compromised by a desire to be liked by everyone. When someone suggests a standing-room-only concert, you blurt out “no” like a sneeze. You meet a new person and the first thing they do is dump their trauma. When you’re young, you appreciate their vulnerability. In half a minute, you’ll forgive yourself because you’re not Brené Brown.
You’ll look hotter.
not real.Now you know what’s best for you, it’s no Jumpsuits. Never. You already know how to layer, and side parts don’t suit your hexagonal face shape. You floss and eat more spinach. I’m so sorry you like spinach so much!
You will remain drowsy.
The minimum age for president is thirty-five, which is crazy because no one should be running a country when they are so sleepy. Whenever you have a problem, you think, let’s take a nap. And you will.between work meetings; even period Working meeting. Mainly during work meetings, to be honest. Sometimes you feel sleepy and your digestive system is burning at the same time. It’s like there are too many villains in Marvel movies. But you’ll take a nap at home with lush basil. ❖
