With Apple Screen Time, you can manage the number of minutes you’re allowed to use any given app. In addition to our previously set nap intervals of one minute, fifteen minutes, and the rest of the day, to better suit your scary little lifestyle, we’ve expanded our options to include:
Take a nap for an hour.
Sleep for another hour (please).
Naked until I was waiting in line at the bagel shop.
I dozed off until I was at the front of the line at the bagel shop and they were sold out of bagels.
Nodding off until I was bagel-less, dizzy, desperate—the lack of blood sugar causing me to succumb to the existential emptiness that led me to post on Instagram.
Dozed off until I finished watching a 47-minute YouTube video that takes a deep dive into celebrity plastic surgery.
Doze off until my TikTok “For You” page starts showing me specific but informative videos about getting rid of acne.
Napping until I pop this zit.
Nap until an hour passes (for real this time!).
Doze off until thirty-seven minutes later, two days later, and don’t doze off again. second longer.
Please wait until I confirm that everyone I follow on Instagram is in Italy.
Wait a moment until I confirm that everyone I follow on Instagram is coincidentally in Italy and isn’t intentionally excluding me from some group tour.
Doze off until I respond to their Almafi Coast story with an emoji combination that doesn’t make me look jealous, proving that I’m a value-adder to an acquaintance’s close friend group.
Wait until my ex sees my Instagram stories.
Napping until I saw his best friend from college glowing on my ex’s profile.
By the time I found out if the woman in the car was the stepsister of my ex’s friend’s ex-girlfriend, she was banned from her yoga studio for pushing someone while doing downward dog.
Waiting for me to confirm if the woman in the car is the stepsister of my ex’s friend’s friend’s ex-girlfriend, but other one.
Dozed off until I realized I’d been kidnapped by a woman (the third stepsister of my ex’s friend’s friend’s ex-girlfriend!) and tied to the tracks in front of an oncoming train
Dozing off until I realized there was a lever nearby that would change the direction of the train so that it would hit a large group of people tied to parallel tracks was the tragic consequence of going to Italy without me.
Napping until the smartest man in the world with Tweety Bird’s incarnation successfully justified my death through an online philosophical debate with strangers.
Dozed until a handsome guy showed up and saved everyone (especially me) by using his own human power to stop the train and saw through the ropes tied to the tracks.
Dozed off until I remembered I’d seen this handsome guy before, and then… . . It’s my ex’s best friend from college who shines!
Dozing off until the handsome guy who rescued me got down on one knee to propose and I said, “Wait, baby, wait a minute, someone just tagged me in a giveaway post,” and he understood that it was the best thing that ever happened. Head book.
Pausing for a moment until I was sure the Instagram post announcing our engagement worked well.
Continue to nod off until I have fully researched every dish on every luxury wedding caterer’s menu and only selected items that I could confidently pronounce.
Nap until your water breaks.
Napping until the obstetrician told me the baby was finally born.
Pausing for a moment until I’m sure the Instagram post announcing the birth of my baby will work.
Until I find the perfect name for my parenting blog.
After learning that “Moms, Babies, Handsome Guys on the Train Tracks” has been taken, I’m going to take a break until I decide on another name for my parenting blog.
Dozing off until I realized it was time to put down the phone and process the fact that I never planned on getting married, becoming a mother, and having a blog, it all happened so fast.
Dozing off until I realized I had lived this before. I was supposed to go to Italy! When did I lose control of the story? Maybe there’s also time to get involved with a local animal shelter or something.
Dozing off until I came to because they’d been calling my name on the bagel shop counter for five minutes. ❖
